debutch's current selection is:
"Hey Fatty Bum Bum"
by Carl Malcolm

..........A little tale of commuting blues.......

I was going home from work last Tuesday on a train where the air conditioning had failed at the worst possible time. Beads of sweat trickled down my neck as I sat there fidgeting uncomfortably while reading my book.

I swear I could see steam hovering in the carriage just as I heard this ominous "thump thump" sound approaching with a resonance so physical it must have made 5.9 on the Richter scale.
And there, waddling up towards me was this *mountain* of a woman who looked about 40 stone give or take an ounce.

"No! NO!!! Don't sit here!" I thought to myself " it's only a two-seater with no arm-rest and........." (BOOOMMM!!!!)
.....too late....
The impact of her crash-landing almost made me bounce upwards out of my seat.
I was immediately crushed against the partition with my breath sucked out of me but worse was her puffy bloated arms. They were bare and pressed hard against my bare arms and they were cold, spongy and clammy with sweat urgh! ( gag )

I surreptitiously glanced at her face, her quadruple chin & her Dizzy Gillespie cheeks and instantly felt an unexpected pang of remorse & guilt at my discreet "tuts" & annoyance.

'Aww...the poor lady" I thought. "I bet she has some serious medical condition. I wish I could help her.
I bet she is moving heaven & earth to fight this curse and.................WHAT the f*** is THAT???"

My eyes gawped as she pulled something out of her bag that resembled a bazooka.
It was a baguette that seemed about 3 foot long and had God-knows-what crammed inside. The grotesque "filling" was overflowing & made me think of a couple of skinned squirrels garnished with pickle.
Her cavernous jaws opened and she began to chomp but then MORE was pulled out of her bag!

.....A tub of coleslaw, a litre bottle of coke, a family size bag of crisps, a large bar of chocolate and for heavens sake, a box with a least 8 chicken drumsticks inside!

"When's she gonna stop pulling stuff out?? Has she got a Mary Poppins bag there?" I thought, incredulously.
I was almost expecting her to next, begin yanking out a full rotating kebab spit or something but it seemed that her ' picnic' was now complete.

She precariously balanced some of this on her lap while holding the rest steadily between her Moonhopper-boobs but then, she had to "expand" herself to make room for the food which meant squashing onto me even more.

She was completely oblivious to several people stifling their giggles when they saw me looking like a panic-stricken grasshopper pinned to the wall by a sea-elephant that's heavily pregnant with triplets.

Now, I have always been rake-thin for most of my life and that was due to physical work, sports and a fast metabolism.
But I have always had a massive appetite too.
I remember one occasion when I was 17 & I decided I was starving, so I went to my local pie & mash shop to bring home 6 pies, treble mash & a family size carton of liquor.
Sneaking it back home, I was relieved to find that my mum was out.
I couldn't find a bowl big enough for it so I spread it all into a huge oven baking tray, making it look like a horse's trough & took it all upstairs to my bedroom to scoff the lot with a ladle just like Desperate Dan.

OK, so I can eat like a pig too but at least I do it in private.
.......I have dignity, you know!!!

......Meanwhile..... the woman was busy sucking the flesh off the bones making a near growling sound with her gorging.

WOOOMF.....Suddenly, the train's brakes were slammed and I was crushed with such intensity by her colossal bulk that I thought my eyes, like those of a rubber toad, were going to pop out.
She even ended up sitting on my lap..... Well, not completely (one of her gargantuan buttocks was, anyway.)

"That's IT!!" I thought. " I've got 14 stops to go & I've had enough! "
........ "Err, excuse me" I said, prompting her greasy mush to turn to me. "Can I squeeze past please?
It's my stop, you see" ....

But first, I had to "peel" the skin of my arm off hers like separating two slices of sticky processed cheese....

I struggled up with collapsed ribs, lungs & wobbly legs to lurch out onto the platform
.......and then, quickly spin around to jump straight back onto the train in the next carriage ( tee hee hee! )

After the stress-free remainder of my journey, I hopped off the train, smiling smugly............. and Jesus Christ with a mullet....SHE was getting off the same stop too!!

I almost felt like jumping straight back onto the train again but I couldn't pull that trick a second time.

She was looking straight at me.......
"My stop, eh??" I bet she was thinking , wearing an expression like someone with a severe bout of trapped wind ( probably a bit of truth in that) and I proceeded to walk to the barrier close to her with my head & shoulders slumped in embarrassment.

It became peaceful as I walked home and I thought deeply to myself....

There are a lot of sad people in this world.

People with different needs, daily challenges and problems that not many others care about.
All it takes from the rest of us is to show some understanding , acceptance and give a little time.
. To lend some support and............
.........oh SORRY!!!!
I have to stop now!
.......I've just noticed across the road that the Pie 'n' Mash shop has opened

1975 - UK Records
Posted: 12th August 2019
David Carter
Sometimes eccentric, sometimes a Love-God, sometimes a brain-dead shaven ape. Responsible for the seemingly never-ending #AnotherdebutchTale , yarns of woe, chaos & silliness with the occasional tear or two.
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